Walking backwards towards the future
What a day. Deadlines, all consuming. Sapping life’s energy, relentlessly. Slumped in front of my faithful laptop, spine collapsed into the worn leather chair, another mug of coffee satisfying the need for a sugar spike.
Glancing at the “inbox” I’m reminded of the speed of communication. I’d emptied it only yesterday, dealing with what needed to be dealt with, deleting the rest. Now it was full again, another hundred or so messages. Delete. Don’t need that, delete. What’s this one? No, delete. It taps on the screen to get my attention. The Refirement Network “don’t Retire … Refire.” What is this? I know it’s from my wonderful colleague Lynda, but why does she send to me? Delete.
There are some things that need to be assessed and addressed, and other things that are, well, just packed away. It had been a long day, it was 2am, and all I could think about was the soft pillows and warm duvet, and drifting off into dreamland.
Sleep evaded me. I don’t want those emails. Why do I have to keep reading about Baby Boomers, and being 50 or 60 or beyond, or worse, retiring? I’m not anywhere close to retiring, and why on earth would I want to give all my knowledge away. It’s mine. I worked hard for it.
I felt anger, fear, and an overwhelming sense of panic. “I don’t want to talk about it, OK?” resonates around my head.
There’s an old saying, “living your life through rose coloured spectacles.” It’s a place of denial, where life is seen as hassle-free, sweet and rosy. But not reality.
Deep in the night, I dared ask the question of me: Where is my reality now?
“Facing backwards in denial of what is.”
Facing backwards while walking towards the future gives a kind of warped sense of comfort. It reflects back an adventurous spirit, youthful looks, a toned and energetic body, an endless time zone to make moves in career, a “never say die” approach. So much energy to dance, everywhere, to gallop across vast plains on wild horses, to swim with dolphins, to climb giant hills and jump and splash in puddles on the road. Keep looking back, then there’s nothing to fear ahead.
“It’s funny how better the future looks when you walk backwards into it. Or so I thought. Stepping out of denial was the hardest step to take.”
Facing forwards was the scariest reality. Oh, in your twenties and thirties, it’s easy. But not now. It’s all that stuff you hear. Like the “bright young things”, those young and feisty up-and-coming career movers and shakers who are ready to take over the office and squeeze you out. The depressing conversations around so what are you going to do when you retire? (Me? When? No!). Even worse, picturing groups of stagnant immobile old people with vacant expressions - their knowledge and wisdom sucked out of them, left as a hollow body with stooped shoulders and a walking frame.
STOP! Such flashes of irrational thought had kept me in denial. These were morbid, totally inaccurate pictures of my future world. I was not in reality. It was time to face my worst fears (old age, dependency, immobility). Assess them and address them. Take ownership. Become empowered. It may take time, but it can be done.
I checked the recycle bin and looked at the emails, late into that night. I found words such as “alive with possibility”, “stretching to my full potential”, “a time to look for ways to make a difference”, “encore career”, “prime time.” And so it was: this age, this time, is good. I felt a spark of excitement. Joyous feelings. An uplifted spirit.
Now, I walk confidently towards the future with arms outstretched embracing the beginning of a new, lively, energetic adventurous journey!
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